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So this one is pretty cheesy!

In a freak accident today, a photographer died when a giant cheese wheel crushed him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. They were all shouting, “Cheese!”

I think he was the famous photographer that took pictures of the cheese factory explosion in France?

When he got there, all that was left was de Brie.

I thought that was a sharp one.

Continue reading So this one is pretty cheesy!

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A turkey sat on a barnyard fence…

So my in-laws (not to be mistaken with the out laws) have this fantastically awful tradition of singing a turkey song that I’m pretty sure they collectively made up. I have, in more recent years, seen others perform it on YouTube and yet it somehow misses the simultaneously comedic and melancholy way that they perform it. Without any further ado hear are the lyrics to the song:

Continue reading A turkey sat on a barnyard fence…

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A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.

I told him kindergarten.

The visit from this detective made me wonder what I would call myself if I were to become a detective and I realized I would probably go with my middle initial of ‘E’. I would make everyone call me, “Mr. E.”

I recently tried my hand at writing a detective story:
11:45 – arrived at crime scene
11:45 – Examined body. Signs of struggle
11:45 – Found murder weapon in drain
Continue reading A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.

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Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega 3?

They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.

As many of you are aware, we have been treated poorly by a Pharmacy Benefit Manager, but thanks to everyone that has been stepping up to help, it looks like our injuries from them may also be superfishoil.

We are grateful for the ongoing opportunity to be ‘pillers’ of our community.

Continue reading Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega 3?

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Fight Corporate Greed!

For awhile now, I’ve been trying to think in terms of metric. As an example I am 1.85 meters tall and weigh about 80 kilograms. Of course thinking in terms of metric can some times seem a little odd. As an example I was thinking the other day about greedy people.

If you give them 2.54 centimeters, they’ll take 1.60934 kilometers.

I went to a sea food market the other day and found them to be greedy…

After all, everything they do is sell fish.

Maybe I’m just not keeping up with the times. I remember when air was free at the gas stations, and now you have to pay for it. You know why?


Continue reading Fight Corporate Greed!

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How do you turn a dinosaur into a horse?

Use an internal combustion engine.

So on my way into work today I found myself pondering, ‘What do you call a dinosaur car accident?’

A tyrannosaurus wreck!

So I’ve decided to go really old school this week and tell dinosaur jokes.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. “Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. “I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

Continue reading How do you turn a dinosaur into a horse?

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Does this count as a running joke?

So our up coming movie is about running, but I know I’ve been miserable the past couple of days with a cold exacerbated by allergies which means my nose has also been running!

When I first met Shannon, and even after we were married, I ran a lot. Once, as a farce, I asked Shannon, “What do you love most about me? My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”.

Shannon tactfully responded, “What I love most about you, is your running sense of humor.”

Did you hear about the marathon runner who ran for three hours but only moved two feet?

He only had two feet!

I was recently considering getting back into running, so I checked out a gym that had some mediocre new running machines. I thought they were pretty ‘run of the mill’.

Continue reading Does this count as a running joke?

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If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end…

…it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

The above picture is actually of the Boulevard of the Allies back in 1930. I think those same cars are still stuck in traffic there!

We have lot’s coming up in the next few days including a LEGO contest, a raffle drawing, and a Labor Day cookout!

Of course Labor Day reminds me of an old joke about someone that struggled to find how they should spend their days laboring. The following is their first person report:

As a young man

  • My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned.
  • Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  • After that, I tried working in a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.
  • I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.
  • I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing.
  • I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.

Continue reading If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end…

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Clearly, this email has gone to the dogs.

After an email honoring cats two weeks ago, a lot of pressure was placed on me to talk about dogs this week. Having owned a couple of dogs throughout my life, I decided this task shouldn’t be too ruff.

Growing up I got a dog that was missing a leg from an animal shelter. I have occasionally wondered, ‘where do you find a dog with no legs?’

Then, I had an epiphany. It would be wherever you left him.

Unimaginatively, I called my three legged dog Three. So what would you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, he won’t come to you anyway.

I always assumed that dogs had to be bad dancers because most of them had two left feet. Then, I saw this video:

Continue reading Clearly, this email has gone to the dogs.